


Three Times Aliens Made Steve and Tony Have Sex (and One Time It Was All Agent Coulson's Idea)

by misura



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Aliens Make Them Do It, Community: springkink, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-02
Updated: 2012-05-02
Packaged: 2017-11-04 17:50:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/396541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misura/pseuds/misura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>"I don't know, maybe that's what's new in their corner of the universe. Alien porn movies."</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Three Times Aliens Made Steve and Tony Have Sex (and One Time It Was All Agent Coulson's Idea)

**Author's Note:**

> prompt: _Tony/Steve: Aliens made them do it - There was already a thing going on between Iron Man and Captain America when the aliens showed up_
> 
> aliens in second bit lovingly borrowed and slightly adapted from _Galaxy Quest_. alien in third bit borrowed from _Smallville_. (his boyfriend insisted on coming with.)

01.

Big Green Ugly growled, and Tony's invented-on-the-spot translator warbled something at a volume too low for Steve to overhear - although going by Tony's expression, it probably hadn't been anything along the lines of, say, 'we apologize for taking your clothes and weapons, and will now teleport you back to Earth right away'.

"What did he say?" They were fairly sure the aliens didn't speak English, but somewhat less sure the aliens also didn't _understand_ it.

Tony looked uncomfortable. "Well," he said. "This is a bit awkward."

Steve mentally went over the list of things Tony might describe by that particular adjective. It wasn't very long; in the right (or wrong, depending on your point of view) company, Tony would pretty much talk about _anything_. "They want you to build them a weapon?"

Tony looked more uncomfortable. "No, they do not want me to build them a weapon."

"Oh." It had seemed a safe guess; building weapons was what Tony was famous for, after all, even if anyone who took five minutes to get to know him would find out there was a whole lot more to Tony than just that. "They want me to do something for them?"

Tony squirmed. Clearly, this was serious. "I guess you could say that. In a manner of speaking."

Big Green Ugly turned around and walked away.

"Look, Tony, just tell me," Steve said.

"Er," Tony said. "It's sex."

Steve stared at him incredulously. "S- with _them_?"

"No! God, no. I mean, that would be - even I wouldn't - and I'm - um. With me. I don't know, maybe that's what's new in their corner of the universe. Alien porn movies. Big market, low costs?"

"Oh." Steve wasn't sure what else to say.

"You could maybe consider it a compliment?" Tony said dubiously. "And hey, it's just the opening bid. I get this translator thing up and running, I'm sure I can talk them down to, I don't know, just some tasteful pictures or something. Kissing, maybe. Would you be all right with that?"

Tony was, of course, a genius. He was also Steve's best friend. Which was great, obviously; Steve couldn't have wished for a better one, but it also meant that, on occasion, Tony lost sight of the bigger picture, the greater good. Steve couldn't say he was thrilled about this whole having-sex-in-front-of-aliens thing, but it was doable. It wouldn't hurt anyone. They could just do it and go home.

"I'm okay with the - the other thing," Steve said firmly. "If you are, too, of course," he added quickly, because it wasn't as if he should assume Tony was up for this just because Tony generally seemed to be up for sex anywhere, any time, so long as it was with Steve.

"Oh," Tony said. "Er. Yes?"

 

_two days later_

"Bet you ten bucks the guy just said 'fuck you' or something," Clint said, smirking.

"That does seem slightly more likely." Natasha eyed Steve in that special way that always made him worry that maybe he'd forgotten to put on a shirt this morning.

"Got us back home, didn't it?" Tony scowled.

 

.02

"We come in peace," the alien leader said, with one of those beaming smiles that instantly made Tony suspicious like whoa, because nobody smiled like that who wasn't up to something.

"And shoot to kill," Clint muttered under his breath.

Tony plastered a smile on his face and stuck out his hand. This whole spiel really was more Steve's thing, but then again, Steve would probably actually _mean_ it. "Hi, nice to meet you, welcome to Earth. I'm Tony Stark."

"Tony Stark," the aliens repeated, like they were a bunch of school children on a trip to the national museum or something - sort of cute and a bit creepy at the same time. They sort of looked like that, too, really; all tiny people, dressed up to look like adults.

"Natasha Romanov." Tony nodded his head in Natasha's direction. She smiled.

Apparently, aliens could be guys, too. There was definite blushing going on. "Natasha Romanov."

"Thor no-last-name." Thor gave a friendly wave.

"Thor nolastname."

"Clint Barton," Clint grunted.

Silence. The aliens stared at Clint. Clint stared back.

Tony gave it ten seconds. Another five, and he might have done something to hurt Clint's feelings and Tony's ... whatever part of his body Clint would consider easiest to put an arrow in. "Okay, now that you've met everyone, how about some food? You think you can eat some earth food? Got a nice spread for you."

"Burgers, beer and pizza?" the alien asked brightly.

"Absolutely," Tony lied cheerfully.

 

"They're weird," Tony had told Steve, by way of preparing him, which had probably been just as well, given that the moment the two of them walked in together, the aliens all did this ... this _thing_ where they stopped doing whatever it was they'd been doing and stared at Steve instead.

It wasn't that Tony didn't understand the attraction or anything, but still.

"Steve Rogers." Steve, bless his naive big heart, took it all in stride, extending his hand like there was nothing at all to be freaked out about. "Pleased to make your acquaintance."

"Steve Rogers." It was probably Tony's over-active imagination that the chorus sounded a bit louder this time. Acoustics, possibly.

"We have read much of your life, Steve Rogers," the alien leader said. "There was great distress when we heard that you had died so tragically. But, clearly, all is well again, for here you are, living with the great love of your life. It is much uplifting."

"Thank you?" Steve said, glancing sideways at Tony.

"What great love would that be, exactly?" Clint - of course it was Clint - asked.

The aliens gave him the silent staring treatment again.

"I'll go see about those pizzas, shall I?" Tony said.

 

"I don't think we should need aliens to - you know," Steve said, later, when it was just the two of them and JARVIS, in the privacy of Tony's bedroom, which had, by now, also sort of become Steve's.

"We don't _need_ them," Tony said. "They just _happen_ , okay? They happened. Last night happened. Tomorrow will happen. Next week is going to happen. It'll be fine."

Steve sighed.

Tony figured now might be a good time for some back pedaling. "Or not. If that's what you want. Just say the word. You want last night to have never happened - poof, it's gone. Forgotten. I'll talk to my legal department - well, _Pepper's_ legal department, and the guys from marketing and PR, and we'll come up with this great story about how last night never happened, and it'll be so awesome you'll almost start believing it yourself, because seriously, these people are really good at their job."

Steve said nothing.

Tony considered calling Pepper. "Steve?"

"Last night happened," Steve said firmly, finally looking at Tony. " _We_ happened, Tony."

"The greatest romance in the universe."

"With you involved, how could it be anything less?"

"Hey! I can do not-great. I simply choose not to."

 

.03

"Clark is very flexible," Luthor said, and Tony wondered for about the fiftieth time why he'd thought meeting Lex Luthor for dinner had been a good idea again. "I imagine it's because he's not quite human."

"Yeah," Tony said. "Fascinating."

Luthor grinned at him, showing teeth. Clearly, nobody'd bothered to let him borrow their copy of Proper Behavior for the Mad Scientist Turned Good yet.

"So, aside from all this ... this stuff with kryptonite you've been doing, have you been doing anything that's actually oh, I don't know, useful? To people not you?"

"I'm working on several projects that I think may be of interest to the general public, yes," Luthor said a little stiffly. His tone added: _'now, ask me what they are so I can tell you they're none of your business'_.

Tony smiled. No teeth, just lips. Steve said he had great lips. "Great. Good to know you're not all talk."

If looks could kill, there'd have been one seriously pissed off Captain America storming into the room right about now.

"Oh, I'd hardly expect _that_ to be anything new," Luthor said lightly. "Possibly, you haven't been keeping up with things, given your ... alternate career path, but I assure you, Luthor Corp is very much alive and kicking, and planning to stay that way."

"I imagine expenses have gone down quite a bit now that your secret boyfriend's not blowing up your facilities anymore once every two months or so, yes."

 

"Lex is really very ... " Clark's voice trailed off as he searched for the right word.

Steve smiled. He recognized true love when he saw it, and Clark Kent was definitely smitten. "Different?" he suggested.

Clark considered. "Sometimes. He's good at getting people angry at him."

"Tony's like that, too," Steve admitted. "Sometimes. He can also be really charming, though."

"I don't think Lex cares enough about most people to be charming to them."

"But he cares about you, right?" Steve asked, just to make sure. Tony and he were supposedly here to mend bridges, show that SHIELD was ready to forgive and forget, but that didn't mean Steve was about to turn a blind eye if Luthor was being a lousy boyfriend.

"Yes," Clark said, bright-eyed and determined. "Well, enough to stop trying to kill me," he added, somewhat spoiling the effect, in Steve's opinion, even if he made it sound like a joke.

"That's good," Steve said. "Having a boyfriend who's not trying to kill you is definitely good."

Clark nodded happily.

 

"The guy might be on our side now, but I swear, if Fury's forcing me to spend five more minutes in his company, I'm going to kill someone. Possibly Luthor, but I'm not making any promises."

Steve put his hands on Tony's too stiff and tense shoulders. "That bad?"

"You have no idea. Honestly, they're not paying me enough to put up with this sort of shit. In fact, they're not paying me at all. Huh. Maybe I should look into that."

"Ask for a raise, double your current salary?" Steve proposed.

"Ha. Funny, Rogers."

 

.01

"Just following orders, Cap," Tony said cheerfully, as he tossed his shirt in the general direction of his pants. "Agent Coulson was crystal clear about what he wanted us to do, I think."

"Did you stage a fight with me just to get us out of this mission?" Steve asked, not sure if he ought to be appalled or relieved. Appalled, probably.

Tony shrugged. "I didn't sign up to be a baby sitter. They need us, they've got my number."

Definitely appalled. "The order was to 'kiss and make up'. I don't usually take off my clothes when we're kissing."

"Actually ... " Tony started, then apparently thought better of it. "Fine, never mind, you can just stay dressed. You know what, I think we never actually had sex while you still had all your clothes on - and I gotta tell you, it can be kind of awesome, if you do it right. So you should just - "

Steve sighed and started taking off his shirt.

"Okay, yeah, that works, too."


End file.
